7 Examples of Pseudo Parenting Despite Being a Loving Parent

Like many well-intentioned parents, I too have found myself at times confusing pseudo parenting with actual parenting…

Pseudo parenting is a new concept to me. I was reading Cal Newports book on Slow Productivity and in it he talks about Pseudo Productivity in the context of our professional life. That’s when we busy ourselves at work with all the things that make us appear productive, but without actually achieving what the business wants. These include rapid email responses, endless meetings with no clear goals and keeping people informed about things that aren’t relevant to them. 

It got me thinking—is there a similar thing for parenting? Where Mums and Dads keep themselves occupied with tasks that appear to be parenting-related but aren’t actually achieving the goal of raising happy and healthy kids? This does exist, and I shamefully raise my hand to being a pseudo parent from time to time. 

In this article, we will delve into the concept of ‘pseudo parenting’, explore some common examples, and provide advice on how to avoid falling into these patterns. By the end, you should have a better understanding of what pseudo parenting is and how to ensure your parenting practices are genuine and effective.

Jump to section:

• What is Pseudo Parenting?
• 7 Examples of Pseudo Parenting With the Best of Intentions
• Checklist for Pseudo Parents
• Parting Question to Avoid Pseudo Parenting

What is Pseudo Parenting?

‘Pseudo parenting’ happens when people behave like parents without fully taking on the important roles and responsibilities involved in being a good parent.

This includes using surface-level or harmful parenting methods that might look like proper parenting, but lack the real care and support needed for a child’s healthy growth. 

Typically, I’m trying to be kind to my children when I engage in pseudo parenting. Letting them get away with something they shouldn’t or doing the job myself to save them the effort. 

Pseudo parenting can show up in different ways, such as being too permissive, neglectful, strict, or inconsistent with discipline. It means acting or thinking in ways that don’t give children the right guidance, support, and care they need to grow emotionally, socially, and intellectually.

It’s important for us as parents to realise that if we don’t fully meet our children’s emotional, physical, and psychological needs, it could hinder their development. This should make us think about our actions and try to build positive and nurturing relationships with our children to help them grow and be well.

7 Examples of Pseudo Parenting With the Best of Intentions

I’m guilty of all of these…

We do these things precisely because we love our children so much, want the best for them, and want them to avoid unnecessary suffering.

Often, we’re choosing unnecessarily complicated paths in our lives because we are convinced it’s the right parenting choice in that moment.

1. Overprotecting

Don’t handicap your children by making their lives easy.

— Robert A. Heinlein

Hovering excessively over children, not allowing them to explore and learn from their mistakes, is easily done by well-meaning parents. We see the risks and want to help our children avoid them! Which is understandable, just not ideal.

Parents and caregivers should balance supervision and independent exploration, enabling children to develop life skills like problem-solving and resilience.

Protect them a little less now, so they are better protected later, thanks to the lessons they learned.

2. Micromanaging 

Micromanagement is a sure way to stifle creativity and drive away talent.

— Indra Nooyi

Being overly involved in a child’s life and micromanaging their every move can hinder the development of your children’s problem-solving skills and independence.

I all too easily turn into micromanaging with our children. As adults, we generally know what, when and how things should be done – telling them is a natural tendency I am working on restraining. 

Let them figure it out, adopt a growth mindset and strengthen their skill set in the process.

3. Shielding from responsibilities

The worst thing you can do for your child is do everything for them.

— Unknown

I have mixed feelings when I compare the responsibilities my parents or grandparents had to those of my children.

Our children’s childhood is filled with far more social times, fun and learning, which is great. However, I worry about their lack of responsibilities and opportunities to develop the ‘grit’ they will need as they grow. They have no clue yet how lucky they are, and that is not a good thing. 

So we’re trying to give our children more little jobs around the house and make them feel accountable. Even if it’s more effort to get them to do it than do it ourselves.

4. Overindulgence and privileges

Parents who overindulge their children and refuse to discipline them are not showing love but are actually being neglectful.

— Ray Burke

Pseudo families are great at treating their children. Be it financially, with material possessions or privileges.

The problem is that children get a reward without learning the value of hard work, and they are not as grateful for it as a result. The worry is that they’ll come to expect this on an ongoing basis. It might work with their parents, but good luck with future relationships and working for a company…

We want our children to be challenged in a positive context — to struggle somewhat but then, through grit and hard work (and help as needed), reach success and the rewards that come with it.

 How about you?

5. Over scheduling

Children need the freedom and time to play. Play is not a luxury. Play is a necessity.

— Kay Redfield Jamison

There’s school, homework, football club, dance school, horse riding, foreign languages, supporting local causes, extra educational classes after school — the list can go on and on… 

As parents we want to give our children all the opportunities to discover things they are passionate about. However, time is limited, and rest is also important. It is all too easy to enrol children in too many activities without considering their individual preferences or need for downtime.

Today, we try to remember that just because our children have an hour ‘free’ in the evening, it doesn’t mean it needs to be filled. Listen to your children—do they feel they have enough time to rest and just be? 

6. Inconsistent discipline

The worst thing to do is to give in to a child’s every whim. Without structure, they’ll be lost.

— Suze Orman

Implementing rules consistently is key. Avoid playing the role of Mr Nice Guy today and Mr Not-so-nice tomorrow by moving the goalposts.

If parents keep changing the rules, children can become uncertain, frustrated, and resentful. It’s so important for everyone involved to know exactly what is expected of them and to feel that the rules are being applied fairly and consistently. 

By communicating rules clearly and enforcing them consistently, we can create an environment where everyone feels respected and valued.

7. Neglecting self-care

If you aren’t taking care of yourself first, how can you be in a position to take care of anyone else?

— Minimalist Co

Pseudo parents may focus exclusively on their children and spouse, sacrificing their own needs. However, this is not a sustainable long-term strategy. Interestingly, less focus on the children may lead to being a better, more balanced parent in the long run.

Which is good for everyone, including you!

Checklist for Pseudo Parents

Here are five simple things to check today:

1. Your children’s schedule

Are your children content with their schedules? Do they have the right balance between challenges and leisure time?

Every child is different, so what works for one might not work for another.

2. Review your children’s privileges 

What rewards or benefits do your children enjoy without the satisfaction of earning them? They’ll appreciate them more if they have to work for them.

3. Review your children’s responsibilities 

Check out this list of age-appropriate chores for children aged 2 to 18. How do your children fair? Remember, it’s not about punishing children but teaching valuable life skills and a responsible mindset.

4. Are decisions around children coherent with your values?

When making decisions about your children, ensure your pseudo parenting mindset hasn’t overridden the process to protect or micromanage your child.

For instance, while I believe in teaching my children independence, problem-solving, and hard work, I have hesitated to delegate the task of cutting the grass to them. I’ve been concerned that they might get hurt (overprotecting them) and that I could do a better job myself unless I guide them every step of the way (micromanaging them). I need to allow them to learn by doing and experience the satisfaction of figuring things out independently.

5. Is there enough ‘me-time’?

Are you feeling happy and balanced? If not, schedule some time for yourself so you can be the best version of yourself for your family.

Parting Question to Avoid Pseudo Parenting

Ask yourself honestly: Is this really in their best interest?

As the saying goes, sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind:

• Avoid doing your children’s homework for them – let them learn.
• Don’t rescue your children from disagreements or arguments – let them strengthen their skills.
• Don’t signup children to so many extracurricular activities they have no time for themselves.
• Don’t release children of their household duties this week – teach them about responsibilities and planning instead.
• Don’t overprotect children from the risks and dangers around them – let them learn so they can thrive even when you are not there.